quality toilet paper

I’m finding lately that amongst my friends there are two types of people: those who would shell out their last cent for a good, quality roll of toilet paper and those who wouldn’t. This isn’t a judgment of character by any means, it’s merely an observation of where people are willing to cut corners and where they aren’t. Admittedly, until not too long ago, I had nothing but the cheap stuff hanging in my bathroom, but I must also add, in my defense, this was more by default than by choice (okay, some choice).

The thing is, I rarely buy my own toilet paper (or most sundries for that matter) and my friends who often do my shopping for me — for whatever reason — have been under the mistaken assumption I don’t like to buy anything that’s not on sale or that can actually be fit into a closet. I’m not complaining, I don’t see any reason — for example — to purchase a Reach brand toothbrush when I can get 107 Walgreens ones — which are exactly the same — at a lesser price. But that said, there are certain things where knockoff brands just won’t cut it and toilet paper, I’ve come to learn, is one of them.

Truthfully I probably wouldn’t have given this subject much consideration if my home wasn’t regularly filled with friends (a fair percentage of them being female) and I was the only one using my bathroom/toilet paper. But as I’m not the only one using my bathroom/toilet paper and I live by the philosophy “mi casa es su casa”, there’s a level of comfort that exists whereby my houseguests feel they can openly “critique” any product in my home they may or may not use. I have no problem with this, if I’ve purchased something that doesn’t work or is inferior to something else, I want to know about it. And by far the biggest and most vocal complaint has been about my choice of toilet paper.

Now I know what you’re thinking, how could anyone whose life is so centrally focused on their behind be so cavalier about their bathroom’s most important paper product (no doubt, the women out there have been shaking their head at my ignorance since the start of this piece)? And I can only say paralysis and a certain level of compromised sensation in the nether region led to my prolonged apathy. That said, we all see the light sometime and with a little help from my friends, I now have some of the best and cushiest TP money can buy. You may find faults with my soap dispensers, but you won’t feel shortchanged after making a pit stop in my place.

So here are some of the simple rules I’ve learned about choosing a quality toilet paper (in no particular order).

  1. Know which of these three criteria matter to you most: strength, softness, or value
  2. With the above in mind, be wary of “the deal”. 128 rolls for $3.99 might be tempting, but that savings will cost you where it really counts. Bottom line; you get what you pay for.
  3. If strength is important to you (and why wouldn’t it be considering the task at hand), go with a 2 ply. Keep in mind, however, you can always fold a quality single ply.
  4. If softness is your bag, the general consensus is go with Northern Quilted. But beware, word has it it’s kind of gone downhill of late. In lieu of this, go with something that has either angels or bear cubs on the packaging (kittens or baby chicks would be fine too) … preferably both or better still, some sort of amalgamation.
  5. At all costs avoid any toilet paper that has a picture of two bald men on the cover, regardless of whether they’re smiling or wearing lab coats. In fact, avoid any toilet paper that has any sort of grown man on it (especially with a moustache)… you’ll thank me in the end.

And there you have it. I leave you with a quote from Oscar Wilde that not only applies to your next shopping outing for toilet paper, but I believe life in general.

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing”.

Go forth and wipe with comfort and confidence.


4 comments on “how to choose a quality roll of toilet paper

  • There is one very important thing you failed to address in this fabulous piece, which is the consideration for the environment. If one wants to use recycled paper does that mean that fluffiness should be overlooked? I prefer the fluffy stuff and I’m thrilled that you have upgraded! Thank you for thinking of the women in your life. If you happen to come by a fluffy recycled TP let me know.

  • The next thing you need are WIPES! Very, very important! May sure they, also, are SOFT – no alcohol . . . lots of oil!

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